Greetings,

The Committee met last night in a closed session, and after a great deal of heated debate, discussion that nearly ended in thrown chairs, and a heartbreakingly eloquent speech that brought all but the most hard-hearted representative to tears, it was decided, and, I should say that it is my divine pleasure to be the one to share this news with you all, as I was saying, it was decided with a near unanimous result that today will indeed be...MAPtastic.

Now, without some kind of a key, or legend, it is difficult to translate "MAPtastic" to the U.S. Customary System. It's not a 1-to-1 correlation, but basically it breaks down like this: maptastic, without capitals, is somewhere between good and great. MAPtastic, where only the MAP portion of the word is capitalized is approximately 14% better. MAPfreakinTASTIC is somewhere around "mindblowingly, unbelievably, and altogether shockingly neat-o".

Hopefully this scale will aid you all in the coming days.

Now, for today's task:

A MAP like test question to get you all started:

"A train, traveling 40 mph, leaves Toad Suck, AR at 8:45 am. There are 258 passengers on board, all of whom are talking on their cell phones to their friends who just happen to all be on a train leaving Spasticsville, KS. If the second train is traveling at exactly one and a half times the rate of speed of the first train, and there is no wind to speak of, who in the heck came up with the names Toad Suck and Spasticsville? I mean, seriously? Toad Suck? Please provide evidence to support you answer."

Have a MAPtastic day, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to Satan's Kingdom, VT after a short stop over in Hot Coffee, MS.

Tommy 'the shocked by how many strange city names there are that are NOT appropriate for school e-mail Decider' Estlund

Greetings to you all on this most joyous of wonderful and inspiring days, this, the last day before MAP testing

I submit to you...does it get any better than this?

This would be the third draft I've written of this PSA because, and I'm just being honest here, I got nothin'.

I want to write something hilarious. Something that will make you fall out of your chair because you are laughing uproariously. (Spelled that correctly on the first try!) I want to make tears fall like raindrops because of the laughter this e-mail will bring forth. But, I can't do it.

Because, as we all know: There is NOTHING funny...about the MAP test.

Apparently, this what it sounds like...when doves cry.

Sorry.

Hopefully this e-mail is not a portent for what today will look like. (Huh...seems like even the muses are frightened of the MAP test...who knew?)

Well, I'm out. Good luck to you all.

Tommy 'the -----------Decider' Estlund

Greetings,

The Committee has asked me to remind you to prepare yourselves for the Awesomeness that will be today. Today will be characterized by an awesomeness the likes of which none has e'r before seen. It's possible one will need protective goggles or awesomeglasses in order to not go blind from direct exposure to awesomeness.

Seriously. It's gonna be...Awesome*.

You can all expect with no degree of uncertainty to behold desirable behavior, expanded minds, comfortable rooms, gifts from students "just because" and a level of maturity, character and helpfulness that will indeed shock and surprise you.

Like I said...be prepared.

That is all.

The expecting 8-12 inches of AWESOME Decider


*actual results may vary

Good morning,

The Committee has requested that you all read the following proposed changes to the Committee Charter, created in 1932.

(1) An authority must ensure that -

(a) where its standards committee has more than three members, at least 25% are independent members; and

(b) where it is operating executive arrangements under Part II of the Act, no more than one member of its standards committee is a member of the executive.

(2) Where an authority is a responsible authority, it must ensure that -

(a) if its standards committee has appointed a sub-committee under section 55(3) of the Act, that standards committee includes at least one member of any of the parish councils for which the authority is the responsible authority; and

(b) a member of its standards committee, or sub-committee of the standards committee, appointed under sub-paragraph (a), or under section 55(6)(a) or 55(7)(b) of the Act, is not also a member of that responsible authority.

The Committee requests that you respond with either a ‘yea’ or a ‘nay’ to the proposed amendment. All ‘nays’ must be accompanied with four details supporting the suggested changes.

Once that has been finished, we can again all expect to have a day that even surpasses yesterday’s awesomeness. In fact, if you were to reference the PSA from Monday, it says, and I quote: “Thursday? Gonna make Wednesday look like a big pile of....uh, not very good.”

So, you know. There it is.

The deceptively knowledgeable in Committee by-laws and regulations Decider

Greetings,

The Committee is sad to say that the end is nigh. This statement can be made based on the fact that the Decider heard a Muzak version of Bohemian Rhapsody by the rock band Queen on the radio this morning. That's GOT to be somewhere in the End Times literature. I think it's right before the sky turns red. Look it up, if you don't believe me.

Anyway, even with the impending Apocalypse, today will STILL be even better then yesterday. Half of your students will pull rainbows and puppy dogs out of their desks, and the other half will pull your favorite chocolate and/or school-appropriate beverage out of their desks. So...you know, you got that going for you.

Enjoy,

The Revalation-having Decider

Greetings coworkers,

The Committee wants to remind you that it has decreed that today will be even better then yesterday. So, please work to ensure that happens, ok? I mean, I don't want to suggest that the ball is entirely in your court, but...well, ok, actually I DO want to suggest that. So, uh, I'm blaming all of you if today isn't awesome.

So. Get on it.

The shirking responsibility and obfuscating his duties Decider

Greetings my friends,

The Committee, which had a productive and busy week working on their new headquarters (scraping the stalactite nonsense off the ceiling, removing wallpaper, changing the locks, fixing the pressure release valve on the water heater, etc.) wants to extend a warm and optimistic welcome back to all of you. This week, it has been decreed, will start off strong, and gradually build to nigh unto MAPtastic, which, it has been declared, will be the state of affairs for the following three entire weeks. (Well, two for most of you, but three for fifth grade. HA HA.)

So, enjoy today, but be prepared: Tomorrow will be even better. Wednesday? Even better. Thursday? Gonna make Wednesday look like a big pile of....uh, not very good. Friday? Buckle your seat belts my friends. It's gonna be OFF. THE. HOOK.

Just so's you know.

That is all...

The boy-oh-boy-am-I-excited-to-be-back-here!!!!! Decider

Hi.

I'd like to take this time to stop, take a minute to reflect on the year
that we have had thus far.

Let us all remember the beginning of the school year, before we knew who all
of our students were going to be, before we had even greeted them...let us
all recall that brief moment before the first day of school, when we were in
our car or other mode of transportation, and we pulled up to school; that
feeling of anticipation, expectation, excitement, and hope.

That last one is the one that I, not the Committee, not the Decider, I,
would like us to think about.

What hope do you have for your students? What hope do you have for your
classroom? What hope do you have?

If you feel like it, respond throughout the day by clicking "reply to all".
(Sorry to those of you who don't like it when I say that. You can just
delete all of the e-mails you get that say "Re: PSA".)

Thanks,

Tommy

Greetings,

The Task-Force, which was found last night to be rife with disreputable member, I believe Bernie Madoff was a member, has been put under house arrest. After a great deal of soul-searching, discussion, an open-to-the-public forum, and a nation-wide ballot issue, the Committee has been reinstated.

We can only hope that this time the members will recognize the import of the task set before them, and that the problems surrounding their efforts in the past will no longer be an issue.

Let us all make an effort to make the Committee feel welcome, trusted, and appreciated.

In order to make you all feel better about the job that the Committee does, we thought we would highlight the definition of irony found in the news yesterday: The AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) has decided to suspend retirement benefits for their employees.

At least we're not doing that...yet.

And, finally, today will be: pleasant.

The lost-everything-to-that-jerk Decider

Greetings,

The Task-Force, heretofore known as the Decider's Junta, has passed on the following words of wisdom, particularly applicable to today. Enjoy, and apply as you wish:

"I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty." -John D. Rockefeller

Today, the Junta requests that you do two things:

1.) Think of one way that you con convey this message to your students.
2.) Think of one way that you can carry out this message with your students.

The Junta thanks you for your cooperation.

Furthermore, today will be: Wednesday.

That is all.

The surprising-you-all-with-his-military-might Decider

Greetings,

The Task-Force met this morning, and today will be: Soggy.

There is a chance it will be soaked, but it will definitely be soggy.

So, prepare accordingly.

Also, it will be smooth-sailing and not scary at all. No problems here.
Absolutely free of terror and scariness.

So, we got that going for us.

The oh-my-goodnes-please-help-me-I'm-so-scared Decider

Greetings,

The Commission on Decisions and Proclamations has no time to meet to Decide and then Proclaim what today will be like. They would love to, but unfortunately, they have no time.

So, I have to say, even though The CODAP was very short lived, they have proven no more valuable than the Committee. So, they too are being dissolved, and the Task-Force on Predictions and Outcomes (TFPO) will be convened starting tomorrow.

However, today, just for the record, looks chaotic. Just so's you know.

Oh, and the first priority of the TFPO will be to officially lobby congress to add 6 hours to the day, so that we can get all of our work done. There will be a petition in the work-room for you to show your support for this initiative.

That is all.

The needs-a-weekend-to-recover-from-the-weekend Decider

Greetings staff,

As the Decider, I have taken drastic measures. I have Decided, officially, to disband the Committee. After chronically poor results and pathetically sub-par effort, I have come to the realization that the Committee has outlived their efficacy, and are no longer a viable and necessary entity.

In order to ensure the continuation of daily decisions I will be creating a panel, a commission, if you will, or better yet, a task force, charged with completion of the daily adjudication.

Today's vaticination is: today will be urbane and convivial.

So, enjoy.

The likes-to-use-the-online-thesaurus-a-little-too-much Decider

No time for greetings,

The Committee has decreed: Quick! Everyone look busy!

The no-time-to-check-my-email-'cuz-I'm-doing-lots-and-lots-of-differentiation-of-instruction-so-don't-bother-me!!! Decider

{Greeting},

{Fill in Witty Comments and sardonic statements here. Be sure to have some reference to obscure pop culture and same vaguely biased political views, implicating someone as a Socialist. Finish by making a nonsensical but intelligent sounding prediction about today.}

{Closing}

{First Name "completely made up and silly title followed by veiled reference to George W. Bush" Last Name}